Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Your Christmas Shopping...Done.

Today alone I received 13 emails about Black Friday deals. Thirteen. That's more emails than I received from Obama and my mother. (And that says a lot). 

Now, before you stop reading, this post is not a rant about the craziness that is Black Friday. Frankly, if people want to camp outside a Best Buy for a big screen TV, good for them. In fact, I hope I know some of those people because I'd like to watch that gigantic TV sometime. However, come Friday at 9AM, I'll be sitting on my own couch, still in my pajamas, watching my normal-sized TV and debating if cranberry sauce is an acceptable breakfast since, technically, it's a fruit. I have been known once or twice to go to Target late-morning on Black Friday to scope out the damage - and one time impulsively purchase some amazingly heinous, gigantic-yet-comfortable, $3 sweatpants that I wear on the regular and are probably the reason I'm still single. 

Late-morning is the best time to go to Target on Black Friday. The people who got there at 5AM are long-gone and the poor retailers have just restocked for the second wave. Plus, it's less congested so that you can find some of the deals they hide in unexpected places - like the $5 toasters on display in the men's department or the $2 DVDs in the health and beauty section . Because when I think James Bond Casino Royale on blu-ray, I think, Yep, probably located in the tampon aisle. Real sneaky, Target. They really make you earn those doorbusters.  

Alas, I digress. This is not a post about crazy deals on holiday gifts. This is just about crazy holiday gifts. Some gifts are jokes, some are sincere, but all that are actual products that people spend actual real money on. 

50% off on a TV on Black Friday? That doesn't sound crazy - that sounds like smart marketing. $100 gift card for buying an iPad before 9AM? Sure, that makes sense. 

Chia pet modeled after the cast of Duck Dynasty? 

Um, what.

Now that mess is crazy.  

This post is inspired by my friend Maggie after we started discussing the latest in women's lingerie: 
The WineRack Bra Flask
Image courtesy of Jezebel and, sadly, the actual website.  
Don't you hate it when you're out in public and think, I need 2.1 beers and I need them now. And I need them from my cleavage. 

I know the WineRack Bra Flask has already been written about multiple times and probably appears in your Facebook newsfeed from time-to-time, but I just have so many thoughts and questions on this. Where are you that you must store alcohol in your bra? In a sports bra, no less. Are you doing sports? With 20 shots of liquor in your bra? They say it is for "sneaking drinking" but I'm not sure how subtly you can take off your shirt and drink from a hose attached to your chest. If you can pull that off, then you are a better woman than I. You're alcoholic, of course, but an impressive one at that. (And don't forget to buy the BeerBelly for that special fella in your life.) 

Maggie also introduced me to this candle designed to smell like fried chicken, which obviously led me to waste an embarrassing amount of time researching what other bizarre candle scents one can purchase. While fried chicken isn't really my favorite, I wouldn't hate it if I came home to a house that smells like Chicken Parm, am I right?

Hotwicks sells a variety of interesting candles. Hey fellas, to set the mood for a bachelor party, they recommend you light the Beer Candle + Stripper Candle + Whiskey Candle. Also, good luck explaining the "Stripper Candle" to the wife-to-be. I think that may be worse than an actual stripper.  I'm on the fence with the Beer Candle and their explanation didn't help. They said some say it smells like a "fancy microbrew" and others a "fraternity house floor." There's a big difference there, my friends. Big difference. 

And, while we're chatting masculine candles, did you know Yankee Candle makes a candle called "Man Town"? I get the need for masculine scents as I'm not a fan of the fragrant florals myself. I'm not knocking a manly candle. I'm just having a hard time with the name - MAN TOWN. It's called Man Town, you guys. 

Mmmmm, do you smell that? It smells like Man Town. 

Enough with the candles. 

Let's move on to fashion. I tweeted about these sweatshirts a few weeks ago after BuzzFeed brought them to my attention - as they do all important things in the world - and, I'm still not over them. Because they are amazing. Especially, this one:

Do I even need to comment? I feel like these sweatshirts speak for themselves, right? I can't decide which is my favorite. 

I think I should just leave the post here - quit while I'm ahead. Because, really, what can I possibly write that would top a sweatshirt with a giant picture of Oprah's face? Ah, if only her show was still on TV so that her sweatshirt face could be one of her Favorite Things. You get a sweatshirt face and YOU get a sweatshirt face and YOU get a sweatshirt face. 

I miss the days of tuning in to Oprah's Favorite Things to watch people lose their minds over a year's supply of cupcakes, a Ralph Lauren cashmere and a remote control refrigerator. Is a remote control refrigerator a thing? It should be. I don't know what it would do but if Oprah says is faaa-buuu-looouuus then I'm in. 

And on that incoherent note, I leave you. I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving! I hope you get to enjoy it with good food and even better company. 

I look forward to seeing all of your Thanksgiving plates on Instagram.

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