Saturday, January 25, 2014

And the Golden Sweatpants Goes To...

In celebration of my third favorite season -- Award Season -- my sister had the brilliant idea that we should create our own awards. What honors would we bestow upon our favorite TV and movie actors if they asked? They wouldn't, of course. But, what if they did? What are the categories that the people really care about? 
Tina and Amy doing their thing, being hilarious at The Golden Globes
You know how the most famous and talented actors, actresses, directors, producers, writers, seat warmers, etc. etc. etc. spend January thru March flocking to large venues in gorgeous gowns and tuxedos to recognize and celebrate one another as well as their craft overall? 

These awards are nothing like that. 

These are The Golden Sweatpants

The award name derives from the attire we are usually wearing when watching television, movies, or miniseries. (I'm not convinced I've ever actually watched a miniseries though.) We were originally going to call it The Golden Fleece, but apparently that's already a thing. And, well, we really feel these awards are going to take-off, so we must make sure it is trademarkable. (Totally a word, despite auto-correct insisting otherwise.)

Me too, girl. Me too.
Because we made up these awards ourselves and it is hard to settle a tie between two people, many categories have multiple winners.There are also a lot of explanations. That's allowed because we are the bosses. It should also be known that we did not enlist the help of an official accounting firm like they do for the Globes or the Oscars. In fact, our nominating and voting process took place entirely over text messages in the span of an hour. 
Official Ballot of The Golden Sweatpants.

The Golden Sweatpants 2014 Award Winners

1. Best Appearance by a Former Cast Member of The Office
Unanimous: Mindy Kaling for The Mindy Project

2. Worst Appearance by a Former Cast Member of The Office
Melissa: David Denman as "ugh Ed or whoever on Parenthood"
This was actually a unanimous decision as well but I wanted her to get credit for that quote.

Nothing against you, David...just against Ed's homewrecking ways. 
3. Reality Show You're Not Embarrassed to Admit You Watch
We interpreted our own question to mean Reality Competition.
Unanimous: So You Think You Can Dance

4. TV Moment That Made You Ugly-Cry
Melissa: Anytime Ellen gives anybody anything
Lindsay: Also, the last three minutes of every single episode of Parenthood

5. TV Character You'd Like to Think You Are Most Like
Melissa: Donna on Parks and Recreation
Lindsay:  Mindy Lahiri from The Mindy Project when she's being funny and smart.

6. TV Character You Probably Are Actually Most Like
Mindy, you always say everything I'm thinking. Let's be BFF. 
Melissa: Jerry on Parks and Recreation
Lindsay: Mindy Lahiri from The Mindy Project when she's being totally neurotic and lazy.

7. Movie You Think You Should Want to See
Melissa: "That Robert Redford Sails In A Boat" Movie
Lindsay: All is Lost starring Robert Redford

8. Movie You Actually Want to See
Melissa: "The Ice Cube and Kevin Hart Ride in a Car" Movie 
Lindsay: Agreed. Also known as Ride Along

9. Character You Would Want to Be Seated Next to on a Plane
Melissa: "Peter Quinn from Homeland....unless he's on the plane to quietly assassinate me"
Lindsay: Neal Caffrey from White Collar....because he's so nice to look at and could probably steal us free drinks and snacks and headphones and stuff. 

Man, that hair can act.

10. Role For a Former Actor of Friday Night Lights
Melissa: (Tie) Matt Lauria (Luke) as Ryan on Parenthood or Connie Britton as Rayna on Nashville 
Lindsay: Connie Britton's hair in any role (after all, it does have its own blog)  Also, honorable mention to Taylor Kitsch (Riggins) for Lone Survivor.  

11. Show That Should Be Cancelled So We Can Bring Back Ben & Kate
Ben and Kate, you left us too soon.
Melissa: "Oh anything. The news?"
Lindsay: Two Broke Girls, for sure. 

12. Character You Think You Could Possibly Beat in a Fight

Melissa: "Anyone on Downton Abbey other than the Dowager Countess"
Lindsay: Ugh, I can't beat anyone in a fight. 

13. Favorite Assassin
Unanimous: Peter Quinn from Homeland. Duh. 

14. Best Couple
Unanimous: Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt on Parks and Recreation
Lindsay: Also, honorable mention to Olivia and Fitz on Scandal even though their relationship is so wrong. Yet also so right.

15. Couple That is OMG, Like So Annoying
Melissa: Dana Brody and "run away from him at the gas station" guy
Lindsay: Every single couple on Revenge

16. Best Theme Song
Melissa: "Hmmm, all I can think of is the X-Files. Is The X-Files still on?" 
Lindsay: This was a dumb category. I can't think of a theme song either. They don't make 'em like they used to...I'm looking at you, Step-by-Step.  

17. Best Movie That Includes a Current or Former Saturday Night Live Cast Member
Unanimous: The Heat 
We're honored to announce that The Heat also wins for Best Movie That Includes a Current or Former NKOTB Member

18. The Judy Winslow Award for Forgotten TV Child
Melissa: (Tie) Haddie Braverman on Parenthood and Chris Brody on Homeland
Lindsay: Haddie Braverman. Chris never played that big a role anyways. Are we even sure his name was Chris?
Judy Winslow of Family Matters. Last seen going upstairs but never coming down.
19. Best Performance By Someone Formerly on a CW - Formerly Known As The WB - Show
Unanimous: Lauren Graham on Parenthood, formerly Lorelei Gilmore on Gilmore Girls
Lindsay:  I'd like to give an honorable mention (totally allowed) to Sophia Bush on the all-new Chicago P.D. -- formerly Brooke Davis on One Tree Hill

20. Best Performance by Someone Formerly on a CW - Formerly Known As The WB or - Formerly Known As UPN - Show
Unanimous: Max Greenfield  on The New Girl, formerly known as Deputy Leo on Veronica Mars

Congratulations to all the winnersThe competition was tough this year, but you all were very deserving. We're sorry the ceremony wasn't televised, but it would take too long due to all the explanations after winners are announced. Also, in principle, we could never get up off the couch or change out of sweatpants to present them. If you have suggestions for future categories, please let us know. 

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