Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Your Ultimate ABC Family Christmas Movie Guide

Yes, I know it is only November 11 and I'm writing a Christmas-related post. You're just going to have to get over that, y'all. I love Christmas. If TV networks can run Christmas movies the first week in November, then I'm certainly allowed to talk about them. Also, if you're one of the four people upset about the fact that Starbucks' cups don't show a full nativity underneath your cardboard hot-beverage ring, then you aren't going to like this post. This Christian girl is about to get crazy secular up in here.

'Tis the most wonderful time of the year...for cheesy, magical rom-coms. ABC Family recently released the lineup for its 25 Days of Christmas. It's the one time of year when my peers and I become ABC Family's target demographic. Similar to when CSPAN airs the White House Correspondents' Dinner, their ratings are bonkers, and they start trending on Twitter. Then, a week later they're back to airing....whatever it is they air that I never watch. 

In case you're new to this phenomenon, I've decided to provide you with an introduction to ten classic ABC Family original movies. I just love them all so much. Don't even get me started on the Lifetime or Hallmark original Christmas movies. You aren't ready for those yet. Those often involve an ugly-cry. 

(Also, I guess I have to say "the following contains spoilers." But, do you really care about the ends of these movies being spoiled?) 

In no particular order, I present to you, some of ABC Family's finest work:

The Mistle-Tones

Tori Spelling (Beverly Hills 90210) plays the villainous lead of the Snow Belles, the rival singing group of Tia Mowry's (Sister Sister) Mistle-Tones. Both groups are competing to sing in the mall's Christmas Eve service, an honor the Snow Belles have had for decades. Duh, duh, duh. There are lots of carols and Christmas clearly it's a timeless classic. 


While we're talking 90210 alumnae...Jennie Garth stars as the hardworking, overly-ambitious single gal who, thanks to a hit over the head and visit to a parallel life, learns to love her hometown and the simpler pleasures in life. 


A young, handsome Santa loses one of his reindeer to the "real world" and must get him back in time for the big day. He meets a beautiful zookeeper in the process. Will he save Christmas?! Will he make her believe?! Will they fall in love?! Spoiler alert: Yes.

Snow 2: Brain Freeze 

Santa gets amnesia! *gasp* Someone who used to be in love with the zookeeper-turned-Mrs-Claus is out to ruin Christmas! *bigger gasp* It's up to Mrs Claus and the reindeer to help save Christmas. I hope whoever came up with that title got a special Christmas bonus, because it's a winner. 


A hardworking no-time-for-Christmas single career woman (shocker) hits her head and is transported into the idyllic life of a snow globe town where she has a wonderful husband and adorable children. Not to be confused with Holidaze in which she hits her head and is transported to the life should might have had if she'd chosen love over career. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALL, LADIES. 

Desperately Seeking Santa

An ambitious, career-driven single woman is trying to save a mall and score herself a promotion so she holds a "Hunky Santa" contest. Guess what happens next...

Christmas Cupid

A woman with a healthy work-life balance....haha JUST KIDDING...a single, ambitious, work-obsessed lady has a "Christmas Carol moment" in which she is visited by boyfriends past. 

12 Dates of Christmas

It's like Groundhog Day, but with Christmas Eve first dates and everyone's favorite 90s heartthrob Mark-Paul Gosselaar. He designs parks. He's a "parkhictect." Amy Smart stars as the woman destined to relive Christmas Eve over and over. She doesn't get hit on the head; she gets sprayed with perfume and passes out. Be careful walking through those department stores, y'all. 

Holiday in Handcuffs

Melissa Joan Hart (Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Clarissa Explains It All) stars as a waitress who kidnaps her customer, Mario Lopez (Saved by the Bell, obviously) and forces him to pretend to be her boyfriend when she goes to visit her family. As you can imagine, things don't start out so well but by the end, that Christmas magic kicks in and they realize they love each other. (I didn't say "spoiler alert" because, by now, you should see this coming.)

Christmas Bounty

A former bounty hunter must return home at Christmas to help her family save the bounty hunting business by going after a bad guy. Her well-to-do fiancee, who knows her only as an elementary school teacher, follows her, learns about her true past, and gets himself into quite the pickle. Meanwhile, she's reconnecting with her bounty hunting ex-boyfriend. This is a real movie, y'all. I couldn't make this up. Suddenly those Starbucks cups don't seem quite so ridiculous, huh? 

I wish I had to look up these plot line summaries but I actually remembered most of them. I'm not as embarrassed about that as I should be. Get ready. The season is upon us. Happy watching. 

P.S. If you do watch Christmas rom-coms, you can consider playing this well-crafted "Holiday Movie Bingo." 

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