Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Stars — They're Just Like Us! Only With Better Party Favors

You probably expected I would write a post about the Super Bowl since my beloved Carolina Panthers were in the big game. 

Well, I'm not. 
Charlie in shock that people don't like Cam

Not because I'm a sore loser and want to ignore the fact that we lost and our quarterback got sacked an outrageous number of times, but because everything that can possibly be said about the Super Bowl and the Panthers has already been said. All I'd personally add is that my love and loyalty to the Panthers has always been rooted in the good work they do off the field for the city of Charlotte and beyond, but their personalities, hard work, and genuine love of the game made this one of the most fun seasons to be a fan that I can remember. All the winning wasn't so bad either.

So, that's what this post is not about. 

Jeez, I could never be a professional blogger. Focus, Lindsay, FOCUS. 

While I was scrolling through Facebook reading the countless articles on why Cam Newton is [fill in your own adjectives and opinions here], I came across this Mashable article about the Academy Awards gift bags this year. (See how I managed a segue there? Maybe there's hope for me yet.) The gift bags are worth $250,000. A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS of swag for rich people. 

Beyond stating the obvious that these famous people don't need excessive gifts, I want to break this down a little more. What is this stuff that marketing and PR teams pushing so hard that they're giving it away for free in hopes that it will wind up in a J.Law Instagram post? In other words, I hijacked the Mashable article so you could see the ridiculous list and I provided my unsolicited and uninformed thoughts.

A 10-day, first-class trip to Israel: $55,000
If you're going to give me a free trip to an international location, you sure as hell better not fly me econ...econo...economy. Ugh, I can't even get that horrid word out.

A year’s worth of unlimited Audi car rentals from Silvercar: $45,000
I only drive once a week but I would rent a new car every day. 

A lifetime supply of skin creams from Lizora: $31,200
I don't know what this is, but if it means I can age like Jennifer Aniston, then sign me the eff up. 

Halo Purely for Pets donation of pet food to an animal shelter: $6,300
Aw, that's nice. 

A 15-day walking tour of Japan: $45,000
Wait, do I have to walk the full 15 days? I mean, I still want to go, but do I need to train? 

Hydroxycut weight-loss Gummies: $19.98
I don't know that I'm going to need these if I'm walking across Japan.

Dandi antiperspirant patch: $21
This will also prove helpful with all the walking. 

Three private training sessions with Jay Cardiello, a “celebrity wellness expert” and star of ABC’s My Diet Is Better Than Yours: $1,400
I don't know who this is but I want it! If there's one thing I'm a sucker for, it's a celebrity trainer. 

Personal fitness sessions with celebrity trainer Alexi Seletzky: $900
If the gifts are for celebrities, wouldn't they just be called "trainers"?

A Fit Club TV “Ultimate Fitness Package” in a private villa: $6,250
I think I lost a pound just thinking about all the exercise I'm apparently going to do as a result of this swag bag.  

Sundial Power Coating: $500
I don't know what this is. I'm too lazy to Google. Some kind of paint? For a car maybe? If that's the case, then I don't need this because I now exclusively drive rental Audis. 

Belldini clothing: $300+
This isn't really my style so I'm going to re-gift for sure. I'm more Versace and Chanel, obviously. 

A Steamist Total At Home Spa: $5,060

I didn't know I needed this until now.
Unspecified gift from the Grand Hotel Excelsior Vittoria, Sorrento: $5,000

Yeah, I guess this will do. 
Grand Hotel Excelsior Vittoria Sorrento (credit: exvitt.it)
Unspecified gift from the Grand Hotel Tremezzo, Lake Como: $5,000

I don't need this because I'll be staying with George and Amal at the Clooney Villa, but thanks. 

Unspecified gift from the Golden Door Spa, California: $4,800

I'm just assuming all these unspecified gifts are stays at these places and not just some crazy expensive bathrobe or something. 

Ultherapy, a laser skin-tightening procedure: $5,530
Is this for double chins? You give me this right now. 

Tribute: $125
Huh? Like in Hunger Games? Do I get a person?

Delovery personalized gift baskets: $2,000

I'm not sure what will be in here. Delovery delivers medicines, personal care products, pet supplies, and baby care products. I hope it's not just a bunch of diapers, antacids, and tampons.

A "Vampire Breast Lift", which uses blood to enhance the appearance of a woman's breasts: $1,900
You gotta be kidding me. I have so many thoughts and questions. Is it my own blood? 

Products from the Healing Saint by Dr Jane 360 range: $193

I don't trust doctors who go by their first names. 

Lat & Lo jewelry: $150

Latitude and Longitude jewelry. I get it! I'm going to get the coordinates for the house I grew up in. Or the Clooney Villa. So hard to pick a favorite place!

Caolion skin care: $134

I might have to run this one by Dr. Jane. 

Slimware: $29.95

I thought this was the gift bag reminding me (again) that I should be a size 00, but apparently it has something to do with computers. Meh.

Personalized M&Ms: $300

Finally, something I can use. 

A Rouge Maple selection box including Maple Syrup, salad dressing, mustard: $99

Nearly a HUNDRED dollars for syrup, dressing, and mustard? There must be more, right? I can buy that mess at Giant for, like, $8.50.

Zekkle Edge: $125
Ooh, this sounds exciting and dangerous. (Update: It appears to be some sort of wallet)

Sedona Lace makeup brushes: $109.95

I'm going to give my sister this because my nephew flushed her makeup brush. 

Nuelle Fiera Arouser For Her: $250

This is a sex toy. 

A Haze Dual V3 Vaporizer: $249.99

Ugh, enough with the vaporizers you guys. You all look dumb. 

El Silencio mezcal: $75

I didn't know this was alcohol so I'm probably not qualified to drink it. 

Mission1 Clean Protein Bar: $5.64/box

I'm going to need protein since I'll apparently be working out for 13 hours every day. 

Phantom Glass screen protector: $49.95-$59.95

After receiving a lifetime supply of face creams and a trip to Israel, a screen protector isn't really doing it for me. 

Memobottle plastic water bottles: $47

Memobottle (credit: alamode.news)
I was going to make fun of this but now I'm totally convinced I need a square reusable water bottle. 

Greenhill Winery & Vineyards: $39
Yes, please

Chocolatines treats: $35

See above.

Farm Wife Style handmade jewelry: $25
I am not a wife, nor do I have a farm, but I'm always on board with jewelry. 

Purely Inspired Organic Protein: $19.97

Ooh, something healthy and organic, what a shocker.
Gleener on the Go portable lint brush: $11.99

I already have a trendy lint brush. I'm not kidding. My mom bought me this sexy lint brush for Christmas. Good luck with all your unsexy lint brushes. 

Signature Vodka: $70
Ah, something to wash down all my protein. 

Joseph's Toiletries "The Welcomer", including six packs of the "most soothing and absorbent tissue paper in the world" $275
What the hell kind of bathroom issues are people having that they need $275 toilet paper? That's more money than I spend on my car each month and I can't drive paper. 

I'm pretty sure this is why people always say, "It's just an honor to even be nominated." Yeah, no kidding, you get a crap ton of free stuff. If I got two trips and my own at-home steam system, I'd be say that too. 

Well done, Academy Awards, that's a pretty sweet party favor. And by that I mean, totally obnoxious and disgusting. If you ever want to try to pare down on the excess, I could help. I used to have great party favors for all my birthdays. My mom would let me spend $25 in an Oriental Training catalog. These globe sharpeners were always a crowd pleaser. You're welcome. 

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