Monday, June 26, 2017

An open letter to Bumble and The Hallmark Channel

To Whom It May Concern at Bumble and The Hallmark Channel:

You may already be aware of this fact: Weddings are expensive. Like, really expensive. We want a simple-yet-classy wedding but I've also always wanted to invite all my loved ones, which is quite a few (#blessed). So, even though we're pretty laid back about the aesthetic and vision of our wedding, it adds up.

That's where you come in. I am presenting you with a unique opportunity to put a price on love.

I am inviting you to sponsor our wedding. Here's why:


You're the reason for the season. We met because of you!

We're your classic, modern day love story:

  • Girl sees boy on Bumble. Girl swipes right for boy. Boy sees girl on Bumble. Boy swipes right for girl.'s a match!
  • Thanks to Bumble, girl has all the power and comes up with some pithy, intriguing line like "Hi." (I'm not actually sure how our convo started but clearly I #nailedit).  
  • Boy and girl meet for drinks so that they have an easy out if things get boring/weird/etc. 
  • Boy seems nice. Boy makes girl laugh. Girl is intrigued. 
  • Next day, boy and girl text and immediately set up second date for later that week. 
  • Eleven months later, ENGAGED.
  • Boy and girl live "APPily" every after. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)

Of all the (often tedious and exhausting) dating apps out there, you finally came through for us, Bumble. Like a breath of fresh air. He flew into my life. The buzz of our wedding is all because of you! (See, I have so many bee puns you could use!)

Just think of it:

The "Buzzzz around the Dance Floor" DJ, brought to you by Bumble


"Wine and BEEr" bar, courtesy of Bumble

The possibilities are endless. I'm not above sticking your logo on the back of the ring bearer's tuxedo. Think it over and get back to me.

Hallmark Channel,

You are actually one of the reasons I went on so few dates November -- January before meeting Jordan. Who wants to take the train in the cold to make awkward small talk with a stranger you immediately know you aren't interested in when you can sit at home in your sweatpants, watching a Hallmark Original Christmas movie in which a down-on-her-luck female professional re-discovers the true meaning of Christmas?

So, here's where you come in.

I'm a loyal, loyal watcher of your holiday flicks. If it has a Christmas tree, a quaint village, and 90's TV star in it, then I'm sold. My friends and I have already put our annual "Hallmark Christmas Movie Night" on the calendar for December even thought it's currently June.

As a lover of Christmas rom-coms, I can't help but think you may be interested in sponsoring our Christmastime wedding. That's right, we're getting married on December 30!

Yes, it's after Christmas but you know you'll still be in the Christmas spirit and so will we. I'm not a 90's TV star but I did perform the role of Snow White in a 2nd grade revue of Disney songs in 1992. I timidly swept the floor of the gym stage while my classmates sang "Whistle While You Work."

Just think, you could sponsor the candles and floral arrangements, because if there's one thing I know you like, it's the romantic glow of candles and the magical twinkle of tree lights. You could be the official sponsor of that warm fuzzy feeling one get when one sees Christmas lights. I bet you thought you could never put a price on that feeling.

Well, I can. And it's kind of expensive. Help a girl out?

We could do a whole social media campaign. We could change our hashtag from #VivaTheVivians to #VivaTheViviansHALLMARK. (Eh, we'll work on that.)

So Bumble and Hallmark Channel, I think I've laid out my case pretty clearly. If you have heard something you like, then have your people call my people. (Which means DM me on Twitter, @Lindsaydec. I have no people.)

And, if you decide to spend your marketing dollars elsewhere on something that's less of a sure thing, like digital display ads or the Super Bowl, well, know that there are no hard feelings. Thanks for the love and joy you've brought to my life.

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